Dear Mental Illness

Dear Dyslexia

SCREW YOU

Dear PTSD, PPD, Major Depression and Suicidal Ideations

I hate you. It’s as simple as that. I was a normal teenager before I got pregnant and my hormones messed me up. Fuck you for making me so distant from my son who I love so much but who still feels like another person’s baby. Fuck you for making me cry for no reason at all and for giving me absolutely no control over my emotions and anger unless I’m drugged up by two different antidepressants. Fuck you for making me feel distant from my husband, who has begun to feel unloved and unattractive because I keep turning him down for sex. Fuck you for making me relive every moment of that horrible year I spent with you-know-what-bitch-I’m-talking-about and every time she violated me so hard that I wouldn’t be able to walk for days afterward. Fuck you for not letting me let go of my anger towards her, and for making me question my sexuality because of it. 

As for my Depression and SI… I barely know what to say to you. Words cannot express the anguish I have experienced over the last 22 months and it is pointless to try. I hate that my husband and family worry about me to no end, and that I can’t be trusted to stay home alone anymore without overdosing or cutting myself. I feel like an infidel to them when they hesitate before leaving the house. I don’t want to die but I can’t stop thinking about dying. I have so much to live for, a marriage to live out, and a son to watch grow up. I don’t want to leave my family hanging with no way to cope. Because of you, I can’t go through the day without finding ways I could easily kill myself without anyone noticing until I was gone.

I just wish I could be normal again, a normal 20-year-old mom and wife with normal problems. I wish my husband and family didn’t have to worry about whether they’ll ever see me again. I wish I could just go back in time and see the signs of my depression before it got so bad.

I want to be me again.

Hopefully now you will listen.

Dear Nymphomania

We had a fun time, for a while, before I knew your name, and what you were doing to me.

But I want you to leave.

I’m tired of having to crawl away from a snoring, sleeping lump of person I hardly know, hating myself inside, because it is the only way I can feel pretty for a few seconds.

I hate that, even as I slink away, I already want more. That pretty-sex drug that stinks up my world. I hate you, nymphomania. I hate your claws, and I need you to leave me alone soon.

Or I don’t know what I’ll do.

Dear Depression

I know you’ve stalked me for quite some time. The first two years I was able to avoid you. But now, you’re here. And you’ve been here for a while a now. You seem to be the only one to stick around when literally everyone else in my life has left. It’s just you and me.

But thats the thing, I would rather be alone than be stuck with you.  You make me hate myself. You are the controlling abusive boyfriend I never had; and was never able to have because of you. You took away my confidence, my heart, and my self. You pushed away all of the people who loved me, until they gave up on me; and that made you stronger. You make me want to die. You make me a bad person. I feel nothing and everything around you, all at the same time. You make the days go by so slowly and so painful. You make me question my existence. You make me hate all of the things I use to love. You make me fail, at everything. School is so hard with you around. I cant sleep because you’re always nagging. Dragging you around is like carrying the weight of the world.

Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you pick on someone your own size?… Because I know you are much bigger and stronger than me, and eventually you will overthrow me. And until that day, I will keep fighting.

My dear depression, leave me alone. Forever.

Dear High Functioning Autism

what are you? You make me so upset. I can’t stand it. I cannot enjoy cloths like velvet, corduroy or the like because you make me curl up into a ball and bite my fingers if I touch them. Going to the movies, sports matches, the sound of babies crying, people talking or chewing loudly set me on edge and I yell grabbing my ears and cry. If someone gets a haircut, I get upset because I keep thinking it’s not them unless I study their face. Im am terrified of unplanned change. I get phone numbers, license plates, codes, songs stuck in my head obsessively. You make people think I’m weird, or that I’m looking for attention. All I want is to be normal. Because of you I have so many problems. I know you will probably never go away, seeing as we’ve been together been over 20 years and there is no cure, and barely any treatment options. So here’s a proposal- you back down and I live my life as best as I can, okay?

Dear Mental Illness

Just to let you know, I have HAD IT with you; the agony and misery which you instill on me. I have R to help me who is doing a grand job. I will beat you believe that.

You have controlled my life l-o-n-g enough and I am taking back the control over you instead of vice-verse.

I go to bed at midnight, so I get my rest. I do physical exercise to make me feel good. I eat healthily to beat the gain of weight your tablets cause. I go to my Doctor’s with any problem and I don’t take anything which will interfere with my healing. Plus I am doing more nice things for myself.

R has and is turning my life around for me and I put ALL I have into self work to get shot of you. In Therapy now I talk about what caused you in the first place and I am beginning to like myself. I hear the negative self talk which you give me and I challenge every statement; I am getting better.

Your hold over me will be gone one day and not a day too son. Yes it is a battle bt I keep on keeping on with all the good things that are fighting against you.

I will win and I’ll help others to do the same.

I have a lot of anger as I write this because of how you have screwed up my life and dominated it. And every day I am getting one step closer to beating you.

I will put what you have done to me to good use in one way or another and I will continue to heal.

I hate you and when you have gone, I will create and am creating a life worth living. So for now, know this: I AM winning the war battle by battle.

Until next time…

Dear Codependent Personality Disorder and Gender Identity Disorder

What a bunch of friends you are. I don’t want to care about myself, but I want to kill myself, and, still yet, I identify as something those around me would not accept.

I had no self esteem to begin with, (it’s been a whole year as of yesterday) and I have even less now that I understand why I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m not a physically a boy. I’m not mentally a girl. And I can’t even figure out my sexuality.

Thanks. I used to know who I was.

Now I have no idea. You’ve consumed me.

Dear Bipolar Disorder

I guess now we’ve officially met. I’ve had a pretty good idea that some form of you has been with me for awhile, but sometimes it really is hard to tell. Sometimes I feel just how I should, so I block the idea of you out of my mind all together. Sometimes I get so excited and so sure that I’m going to be alright, and then you come back, and send everything spiraling downward again. I get so sick of that excitement. I get so tired of feeling so optimistic and having so much false hope and actually believing it’s real. Until you steal it all from me again. And again. And again. I blame you for all of the fear that I possess. I blame you for not allowing me to believe that some things actually can turn out positively. Because of you, I push people away and I disappoint anyone and everyone I can. Because of you, I’m afraid to think that happy endings exist. 

You’ve managed to send me into debt, fail high school and college courses, draw people in and then send them running, lie, lie, and lie again, confuse, frustrate, and anger my parents to no end, switch universities, switch majors, switch plans, switch goals, switch friends, switch religions, switch morals, switch values, switch interests, switch stories, switch jobs, switch plans, and switch Vals, over and over and over again. But what’s worse is the numbness you overcome me with. Sometimes you make me so incredibly empty. I hate when I look inside myself and I feel like I’m falling. There’s no motivation or idea or hope there to catch me. I’m like a hollow hole that can only be filled by something that does not exist. Those are the worst days. The days I hate you the most are the ones where I don’t care about anything. I don’t feel anything. There’s simply nothing there. Those are the days that I feel so opposite of who I really am, yet I am so out of touch with reality that I cannot find the “me” that is lost in the bottomless pit of intrusively negative thoughts. I hate how you try to convince me that I’m failing. I hate how you tell me that nobody truly likes me or cares about me, and that most of my “friends” are just out to get me. I hate when you trap me in a world of anxiety. I hate when you possess me with feelings of impending doom. You make me so afraid of everything outside of me, that I can’t even walk out my front door. That’s when you have me cornered. If I’m afraid of the outside world and then turn to look inside myself and there’s nothing there, I have absolutely no where to go. So, being the gem that you are, you give me ideas. Scary, dangerous, painful, ideas of escape. You tell me ways to get away from all of this, via my own thoughts, which you so kindly have made me distrust. 

I guess sometimes you feel like you’re too hard on me, so you soften up. You soften up a bunch. In fact, you turn the world upside down for me. You practically make the sun shine out my rear end. You make me so incredibly optimistic, that I believe anything is possible. You use a motor to drive me to be the life of the party. I’m Miss Congeniality and no one measures up to me! I am so creative and so fearless and so charismatic and I am so interested in so many things. You give me such great ideas and help me make so many plans and I get so excited that I tell everyone about them and then they get excited too and everyone is so happy and I speak in run on sentences. And consequences? They don’t matter one bit, because you’ve made me untouchable. Nothing hurts, nothing scares, nothing immobilizes, nothing bothers. I’m just superwoman in my own little fantasy world.

But that’s exactly what it is. It’s fake. It’s all fake. And I don’t feel it at the time, but when I come back down again, it’s fakeness slaps me in the face with a big ol fake stick. And then I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life that I snapped in two and spread around while I was so high. And the bacterial demon of hopelessness and apathy bites at my brain once again. And the viscous cycle picks right back up again. I leave my happy fantasy world and return to the depths of an empty defeat. It’s where you convince me of all of those bad, horrible things, and I have no choice but to believe you, even though I know you must be wrong somehow.

But that is exactly why I’m confronting you. I know why you do this to me. You find joy in testing me. You love watching me struggle. You are evil and selfish and lonely and cold and two-dimensional. You attack me because I am everything you are not. You’re like the bully who picks on the weird kid because you’re secretly jealous of everything that you are not. You picked the wrong person to mess with though. I’m too stubborn and too curious and too dedicated and too futuristic and I love life too much to let anyone or anything take it away from me. You present me with these falsities, these artificial emotions of grandeur and these poisonous thoughts of failure, but you have no idea how strong I am. You don’t have the slightest clue. 

I guess our journey really begins here. Now I can face you with all of the strength and passion for life that makes up everything I am, and I can and will prevail. I’ll use my genuineness and my skill and my wit and my warmth and my vigor about life and everything that comprises who I really am and what my soul is truly composed of to defeat you. And when I do, I will do so peacefully. I won’t seek vengeance or compensation or wish any evil upon you. I will conquer you with civility, modesty, and humbleness. I will show you what a REAL winner is. I’ll be an example of the genuineness that you will never know. I’ll show you a life based on kindness, compassion, love, understanding, strength, hope, faith and companionship. You may shake me, but you will never break me. Your lies, deceit, and falseness don’t jade me. I know the pieces that make up who I am, whether they are scattered or perfectly aligned, and you are not one of them. I call see your pain and I will raise you one; I bet a happy, fulfilling life. I will not be afraid. I will accomplish my goals. I will fulfill my dreams. I will find my happy ending.

Dear Depression

Let me fucking go. 
Everything in my life is going really well. For the first time in what seems like over a decade. And here you come, sneaking up behind me. You take away all the joy I find in every beautiful, breath-taking, heart-stopping moment of my life…and I’m tired of it. I don’t want you to take away anything from the life I’ve been trying so desperately to build and love.

I want to be happy. So please, fuck off.